I’m going to spoil one of Senran Kagura: Bon Appétit!’s endings right now. It’s a still image of a busty schoolgirl making winky face at the camera while stuffing enormous, not-so-subtly-phallic futomaki rolls into the mouths of two of her classmates. "What’s thick makes me tick, and what’s huge makes me happy!" she exclaims. Seriously. No, SERIOUSLY. What more do I have to say about this game? Obviously, a lot, as my Editor-in-Chief would probably strangle me if I submitted that by itself. Are you sick of rhythm games featuring good music and reasonable premises? Senran Kagura: Bon Appétit is a rhythm game with bad music structured around fanservice of the basest nature.

The soulless flesh husks of Senran Kagura: Shinovi Versus return for Senran Kagura: Bon Appétit!. Polygon by jiggly polygon, they are exactly the same, so if you’re looking for new animations of clothes being destroyed to reveal some PG-13 tits and ass, you won’t find it here. Of course, if you didn’t play Shinovi Versus (and I’d hardly blame you), it’ll be new to you. All you need to know is that every non-male character has dead man’s curves all over the place. They are self-aware shelves of mammary and posterior flesh that have eyes and poorly-developed brains somewhere therein. If you’re the one playing the game, you’ll only be able to watch the girls cook out of your peripheral vision, as you’ll be fighting to match the button prompts at the bottom of the screen. Of course, once the rhythmic tapping and holding is over, someone’s clothes must be shredded. Because science, I guess. If you’re the type who’s into playing dress up with real dolls (the target audience), you’ll appreciate the customization and assorted vanity options.

Rhythm games are often judged by their soundtracks. And on this front, Senran Kagura: Bon Appétit! is garbage. The entire soundtrack to this game is made up of unmemorable stereotypical ninja stuff. My opinion of Japanese voice tracks tends to vary, and it’s in the gutter with this game; call me a xenophobe, but I can’t reconcile a squeaky voiced female who sounds like they’re pushing ten years old with the term "sexy." I can’t, and I won’t even bother trying.

Master Hanzo is hungry. But he's not the type who will just get up and make a sandwich. Instead, he's able to motivate his busty vassals to cook for him by holding a culinary competition. The winner of said competition gets a Twisted Metal-esque reward in the form of a Secret Ninja Art Scroll, but instead of a clever twist on the wish, we just get the vapid (if not straight up stupid) wishes of these brainless bimbos. Spoiler alert: one character wants to establish herself as a queen of a "harem of knockers."

Gameplay is essentially Parappa the Rapper without the charm. As the girls cook, music plays. And as that music plays, button prompts scroll from right to left. Once they reach a designated line, it's your job to input the correct presses, holds, and taps. As you finish each section of the song, Hanzo does a taste test, and if you do well enough, the resulting energy blast from his mouth results in your opponent's clothes getting damaged and ultimately destroyed. Again, hard science. At the end of the song, one of the girls will be in a state of complete (or near complete) undress, which is supposed to be the reward. Winning events progresses the "story" and earns you new clothes for the girls to wreck.

The bouncy rhythm action doesn't extend far beyond the story. There's also a more random arcade-style offering and a more freeform mode that lets you just engage in cooking battles with chosen shinobi. You can also look at unlocked artwork, participate in leaderboards, and of course, perv away in the Dressing Room.

If you have an ear for the flow of music, you shouldn't find Senran Kagura: Bon Appétit! too difficult at all. The input tracks aren't too demanding, though they admittedly increase in difficulty as you progress. Your attention is split between the two tracks, and while this might sound daunting at first, it becomes second nature within a few minutes of play.

Lengthwise, Senran Kagura: Bon Appétit! is along the same lines as a Guitar Hero game; you'll be able to finish a shinobi's storyline in one sitting. It'll grow old before you finish it, but it's definitely doable.

Senran Kagura: Bon Appétit!'s gameplay is made up of a series of simple maneuvers. Using the face buttons and the directional pad, you'll have to execute them within a particular margin of error in order to succeed. Most of them are taps. When the prompt reaches the deadline, all you have to do is press the button. Holds are another thing; the prompts will be accompanied by a bar of color, and while that bar of color is still on the screen, you'll have to hold the button down. This can be done in tandem with other moves, such as taps and other holds. Finally, you'll occasionally have to button-mash; luckily the game lets you know how many times you need to press the button to succeed. It's every bit as simple as it sounds.

I’ve made it plain that games like those in the Senran Kagura franchise just plain creep me out. While titillation as entertainment doesn’t bother me in the slightest, it gets kind of icky when things get into the realm of nonhumans. And what’s worse is that these girls are clearly in their teens. Creep factor threatens to pass Level Gacy in several moments of this game, one of which gives you full control of a three-dimensional view of your character’s rival lying naked in a giant banana split. When the game pulled that with the token "loli" of the bunch, I nearly hurled my Vita into the wall and suspected I needed to verify with Chris Hansen that playing this game doesn't land me on some sort of blacklist. I haven't heard back from him, so if you have to get this game, tread with caution.